I had a hard time telling people about the extent of my cancer yesterday. It is more serious than we hoped, Stage IV with all that this implies. Still, no reason to freak out. However, I had to stop before I could start telling someone because I became so emotional. I had to leave their office before I broke down weeping. I think I was mentally unprepared to talk about it. I was caught off-guard by a casual, "how are you doing?". This person was closer to me than most people at my office. I felt it was time respond with more than just my usual, "I've had worse days", 'cause lately that is not such a sure bet. It was not the time. I don't have a delivery ready for this new more intense explanation. I couldn't find a path where I could rise above my own fears.
So, new rule: No more impromptu disclosures of my condition. If the person doesn't know, and I didn't initiate the conversation with the intention of letting them know, it's not time to tell them. There is plenty of time to talk to them later. I'll get more comfortable with the new delivery and get a few punchlines together.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
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When I heard the news that it was already Stage IV, my reaction was blunted by my medical training. "I'm sorry Mom" were the first words out of my mouth. I began thinking statistics, prognoses, treatment plans, how can I help Ross and his family deal with this, how can I help his sisters understand what's going on. I was scared but I was a doctor and my mind was working in overdrive.
The next night it hit me like a ton of bricks. This is MY Uncle Ross! This is the coolest uncle ever! This is Kim's husband and Dillan's dad and my mom's little brother. This isn't fair, and this does not happen to my family.
And now medicine does not make sense, and my formal training seems irrelevant.
However, reading these blogs, hearing the strength in Mom's voice, and knowing that Ross is an ironman, my hope is strong and I am gathering positive spirits.
I am also learning. I am learning how strong my family is. I am learning what about life is truly important. I am learning that there isn't always an answer for "why me?" and that we have to make the best of the cards we're dealt.
But if I had to guess why Uncle Ross has been placed on this path, it is because he can overcome it. His strength, his poise, his patience will be tried, but he can win. And his family and friends will be right beside him.
Maryse - the coolest neice ever! Thank you for your inspirational words.
Ross is an ironman. If you could have only seen him today with his oncologist taking charge. I think you may need to start calling him Uncle Tough Guy. Today was a much needed end to an 896 day weekend. Bad just turned into MUCH better. -Kim
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